So, I finally made it! I get my whole body scan today. I'm so exhausted I cant even be excited. I'm absolutely wore out - mentally, physically, and especially emotionally. I really need to hear ok no more cancer, we saw what we needed, go and claim back your life. If those are not the words I hear, they may just need to keep me there at the hospital because I believe I'll totally break down. I'm just not able to handle much more.
I went to the surgeon for our post-op check up finally. He said all was good. The cancer was contained to the nodules, with no lymph nodes mets. That's good news. He also took a look at my vocal cords since I still do not have much more of a voice than Marge Simpon's sister. He sprayed some type of numbing spray in my nose and let it sit 4 or 5 minutes to get everything numb. Then he took a little hose with a camera on the end of it and stuck it up my nose, through sinus cavity and down my throat. He said my right vocal cord is moving, just not as much as it should. It appears its in the process of healing. He could do some type of injections that would push it out to assist it to be where it needs to be, but recommended we wait 4-6 weeks to see if we have some improvement. If for some reason I'm unable to find a job, or my healing does not progress I can call at any time to have this very minor surgery scheduled. Oh... not more crap to do.
This week has been difficult trying to distance myself from the kids. Chris wont come near me, but baby Chris wants to lay right in my lap. Just like he's become accustomed to. On day 7, 8 I'd let him sit on my lap for a little while but of course stressed the entire time. My sweet Casey bear would come in every day remembering that we're counting the seconds of a hug we get. He misses me too!! Now the two older ones, I'm not sure if they really missed me, or if they are just tired of helping out. I sure with this experience would open every one's eyes as to how much I do around here, and give them an appreciation for me. But I don't see it. I supposed I never will.... they never will.
I have been trying my best to stay positive and be in a good mood but its so difficult lately. I know I'm lucky that I am not totally hypo... that yes, I'm on some Sythroid... but I feel like total crap. All I can do is cry! I need a higher dose, or maybe something totally different. I don't know but I'm tired of feeling so darned depressed. I know the Lord has a wonderful lesson to be learned from this, but unfortunately I think its making me more bitter. Please everyone pray for me that I find my forgiveness and my love. Please pray I get an ALL CLEAR this afternoon for my scan.
You may be curious how my scar is looking 6 weeks post-op. Its actually looking pretty good. The color is a bit darker than I'd like, but its becoming very flat. Once the scar heals all the way, the color will fade and I'm confident I'll never see it! I'll do my best to post a picture later today.
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